As I described myself in my last post as a panic ridden adult – you might have been able to assume I struggle with choices.
When I am burdened with a choice, any choice, whether it’s choosing a menu item at a restaurant I’ve been to a thousand times, choosing to speak up when I feel I’m being mistreated or choosing to completely end a relationship, romantic or otherwise, I am weighed down with a giant knot of pain and discomfort. This discomfort lasts from the time I realize I have a choice to make, sometimes right until the decision is made but other times that discomfort lingers on much longer. It’s still lingering in some cases.
These last two years – ish have been the most uncomfortable years of my life. Being a recent university graduate in a creative industry should be enough to tell you that I feel like I’m walking down a road with a kajillion different paths and no map.
I made a lot of decisions leading up to this point that I felt very uncomfortable with in the moment but those were on the map so I had something else to place that burden on. I felt like I had a general sense of where I was starting and where I was to end, then I graduated and my road map burned up.
Every decision I’ve made since graduation seems like the end of the world or a whole new world, usually simultaneously. And because I have both a hero complex and a over dramatic aptitude for self-deprication – I build myself up really fast and I let myself fall even faster. I’m working on it.
I’m currently working on letting myself just enjoy not having to make really intense decisions. I’m not trying to count my privilege but I’m a young, white male living in North America with enough to provide for myself and complaining about how I feel lost after recently graduating university. I’m the epidomy of #firstworldproblems – and honestly I’m so grateful for everything I have in my life. I just need to feel that gratitude more and let life do its thing while I continue to do my thing.
So I’m not going to look at the entirety of my life as the outcome of my choices but instead the wonderful act and privilege of getting to make a kajillion choices day in and day out.